Dagwood: I'm sitting down once again with the big fella, Bigfoot, or Sasquatch. Or skunk ape. Whatever he is called wherever he has been sighted. Anyway, Bigfoot, you have announced your 2020 presidential run rather early, wouldn't you say? I mean the mid-terms are just three weeks old.
Bigfoot: The early bird gets the worm, Dag. Besides, as I recall, many of the 2016 Republican and Democratic candidates began their campaigns a good year before the primary season even began. I might as well get a jump on any of those early birds this time around.
Dagwood: Good point. So what is your strategy for 2020?
Bigfoot: To come out of the woods, like coming out of the closet, because most humans have trouble seeing the forest between the trees.
Dagwood: How do you plan to do that?
Bigfoot: Facebook and Twitter, baby! I thought about Instagram, but I don't have a camera, and no one has come forward yet to offer real pictures of me, either. Besides, many people tend to vote superficially anyway based on a candidate's appearance. I'm afraid if they saw too much of me, they'd get scared.
Dagwood: Are you planning to follow President Trump's example by Tweeting about everything, pretty much unfiltered?
Bigfoot: Sure, why not? I mean, it's pretty ingenious. I know a lot of people, especially liberals, hate it. Well, they hate him. But they really hate how he has used Twitter as a way to personally connect with people and allow them to get to know the real Donald Trump. If people don't like what I Tweet, then tough buffalo chips. First Amendment, baby!
Dagwood: Okay. Have any of your positions changed since 2016? Any new positions you are taking?
Bigfoot: No, I don't think so. I don't care much for change anyway.
Dagwood: What about the Russians and their alleged meddling in the last election? Would you do anything to address that?
Bigfoot: Yep. I think I'd drop a giant stink bomb over the Kremlin. They ought to know what corruption looks like. They might as well smell it, too.
Dagwood: Are you saying you are corrupt?
Bigfoot: My body odor is, definitely. Well, to the human senses anyway. The animals I live around don't seem to mind. And I find it an effective tool in keeping people out of my life.
Dagwood: If you want to keep people out of your life, then why are you running for president? I mean, no other person in the world has a more public life than the President of the United States. Except maybe the British royal family.
Bigfoot: I'm running out of obligation, Dag. Candidates from both major parties offer nothing new or fresh, just the same old stuff. They are foot soldiers who take their orders not from the people, but from national political party committees. All the party leaders really want is to take or hold onto power. They want to keep the nests they've built for themselves in Washington. They are all about preserving their places in the swamp. Admittedly, I can appreciate that, because I want to preserve my humble place in the wilderness. But Washington does not belong to them any more than the wilderness belongs to me. We are all part of it and we should share it. Washington belongs to the People and the swamp creatures who live there have taken advantage of Americans for far too long. They need to be reminded who really put them there and show some friggin' respect.
Dagwood: You are sounding a bit like Donald Trump. Do you consider yourself a populist?
Bigfoot: Trump is right about the swamp. No, I don't consider myself a populist. I don't care about what's popular. If I did, then I'd smell more like Irish Spring soap than dead animals. I just want the folks in government to do what's right for everyone who has put them there.
Dagwood: What is your view of President Donald Trump? Everyone seems to have an opinion about him.
Bigfoot: Personally, he comes across as a jerk. But, then again, he has always come across as a New York street brawler. That has been his mind-set for decades as a cutthroat business man. He lacks decorum, is short on manners, speaks abruptly, and is even offensive to sensitive people. Yet, I can appreciate his personality, because I can come across that way, too. Especially when hikers, campers and hunters get too close to my lair or some food that I've stashed. I can get pretty mean. Make me mad, and I might say some things that others could easily misinterpret or misunderstand as hateful or take offense to.
Dagwood: Do you think Donald Trump is a hater?
Bigfoot: No, I don't. Is he a curmudgeon? Yup. Is he a reprobate? Uh huh. But I don't hear or see any proof that he is a bigot or misogynist. Liberals compare him to Hitler and his Administration to the Gestapo. Hahahahaha! Really?! It is so absurd that I don't even want to spend another moment discussing it.
Dagwood: How about the border wall that the Trump Administration is trying to get funding for? What are your thoughts on that?
Bigfoot: No walls. How the heck else am I supposed to get back home to the wilderness after vacationing on the Yucatan? I don't exactly have a passport; either do any of the animals who travel across the border, too.
Dagwood: Do you have any ideas on how to address illegal immigration? What are your thoughts on that topic?
Bigfoot: I don't normally care about that issue, because I'm not classified as a human. Therefore, I come and go as I please, and no one tries to stop me.
Dagwood: But since you are running for POTUS, it is a topic important to many Americans. You should consider taking a position on it.
Bigfoot: Point taken. All right. Place hundreds of stink machines along the border that repel humans. Animals won't care, but the stench would be too much for people to bear. Hey, if we can create snow-making machines, certainly we can develop stink-making machines. I'll even volunteer my own stench as a template.
Dagwood: What about the border patrol officers along the border? Won't that repel them?
Bigfoot: Gas masks, Dag. Gas masks.
Dagwood: Okay, then. Moving on, how would you address the issue of gun violence in America? There are school shootings and other public mass shootings that seem to occur every year. What would you do as POTUS?
Bigfoot: Well, as the target of a few hunting rifles, I don't much care for guns. But I respect the Second Amendment. I mean, come on, I want to keep and bear my two big, old long arms. Who wouldn't? The way some of these legal eagles interpret the law, people could start losing their appendages if they are no longer allowed to keep and bear arms.
Dagwood: Ha, ha... But that didn't answer my question about stopping mass shootings.
Bigfoot: Sorry. I was trying to add a little levity. I know it's a very serious topic and a growing problem. But banning firearms, even specific or select guns, isn't going to halt the violence. Ban assault-style rifles, and assailants will use semi-automatic pistols. Ban those, and perpetrators will use hunting rifles. Ban hunting rifles, and they will use shotguns. Ban those, and the perps will use revolvers. Ban those, and people will use black powder. Ban all guns and ammunition, and perps will use knives, swords, homemade bombs, anything that can inflict damage on the human body. There have already been incidents where non-projectile weapons have been used in domestic attacks. You see, the problem isn't the access to weapons or even their use. It's the mentality of the people who wield them. Frankly, this is not a problem that can be solved with legislation. The People need to take back control of their culture. It begins and ends there.
Dagwood: Would you take any measures to improve school safety?
Bigfoot: Totally. Replace all exterior entrances with door locks that keep people out, but can be opened from the inside in the event children and school staff need to evacuate. Have a single-entry point for students and have them walk through a metal detector before entering anywhere else in the school.
Dagwood: Some might argue that would make school feel more like a prison.
Bigfoot: Not really. The kids get to leave and go home when school is out. The prisoners stay put. Besides, airports have similar security measures. So do a lot of government buildings. If that security is good enough for travelers or government workers, then why shouldn't it be in place for school children?
Dagwood: What about more comprehensive, mandatory background checks for any sort of gun sale?
Bigfoot: Look, the majority of the perps who have committed these mass shootings did not have criminal records to begin with. Actually, I'm not even sure any of them did. So how will a criminal background check stop someone who has a clean record, but who has perhaps snapped and gone off their rocker?
Dagwood: What do you think about adding mental health records to background checks, and banning mentally ill people from possessing firearms?
Bigfoot: What about HIPAA? How do we mitigate that? I mean, mental health is protected under patient privacy laws, as well as the ethics of the health care profession. Who is going to be willing to say that a person's mental health should be public record? Wouldn't that also be a blatant violation of the Fourth Amendment, the right of the People to be secure in their persons, houses, papers and effects against unreasonable searches and seizures? And not all mentally ill people are a danger to themselves or others, either. We can't just rubber stamp everyone and throw them all under the bus.
Dagwood: Okay. But most of the mass shooters have shown to suffer from some degree of mental instability. Do you think background checks can be modified to give an alert if someone is shown to be unfit to possess dangerous weapons?
Bigfoot: Certainly. Therapists and medical professionals are mandatory reporters. If a patient threatens their own life or that of another person during a session, or they admit to committing abuse, we already require the service providers to report those incidents to authorities. How about mental health providers complete a screening of their clients that grades their capacity to be safe, responsible with weapons, not a threat to themselves or others? If they fail that screening, then the results can be passed along to law enforcement agencies and placed in a background database. The screenings would not reveal any details of the person's illness or their psychiatric background. It would just say the individual failed a safety screening. That's the only red flag authorities would need. Doesn't mean the person gets arrested, but it could serve as a marker for any gun dealer doing background checks.
Dagwood: If a lawmaker or group of lawmakers proposed to make changes to the Second Amendment, would you support that?
Bigfoot: Nope. Changing the Bill of Rights is a very dangerous proposition. Take away the People's ability and right to defend themselves against enemies both foreign and domestic, and you might as well set us up for a fascist or communist takeover. Taking away arms is the first step toward authoritarian control. Besides, I need my arms if I am going to throw rocks and boulders at trespassers.
Dagwood: Well, I think we've beaten that dead horse to death, so let's talk about some moral topics like abortion and the death penalty. Do you have positions on these issues?
Bigfoot: I will never understand why humans would choose to kill their infants. It goes against all laws of nature. Would you kill the puppies inside your dog's belly, or the kittens inside your cat? Come on. That said, I realize there are cases from time to time in which abortion may be a necessary procedure to save the mother's life or spare the child pain and suffering from mortal or fatal developmental deformities. A woman also should not be forced to go through with a pregnancy that resulted from a crime against her. But abortion on demand is sick and macabre. I think unborn humans should be declared persons under the law when they reach a certain stage in prenatal development; like when they start moving around on their own, communicating with the mother, basically acting as a sentient being trapped inside a bubble. Then they can legally be protected under the Fifth Amendment, which guarantees persons the right to life.
Dagwood: And the death penalty?
Bigfoot: A stupid waste of human resources. These convicts spend years, decades even, just sitting in their cells and waiting for their sentences to be carried out; all on the taxpayer's dime. What a waste. Instead, put them to work being productive for society. They can build tiny houses for the homeless, assemble or repair fans and heaters for poor people to use during months of temperature extremes; provide the labor to help build solar and wind energy structures; can or box shelf-stable foods for the hungry and our military; provide rehabilitation for homeless animals; there is a lot that these men and women can do to pay their debt to society. Putting them to sleep seems like an easy way out for them to pay their penance.
Dagwood: You mentioned wind and solar energy. What is your position on energy consumption?
Bigfoot: I don't consume any energy except the sun and moon, wind and rain, and so forth. As such, I cannot relate to how Americans feel about their energy. I do believe, though, in energy diversity. That goes both ways. I think more green or clean energy like solar, wind and geothermal power are good options and alternatives. Having those as part of an energy infrastructure can only help energy providers deliver more cost-effective energy to consumers. However, I do not believe that fossil or carbon-based fuels should be completely eliminated, either. Technology over the years has made coal and natural gas much cleaner than they used to be. In fact, they are very clean. I disagree with the environmental lobby that wants to outlaw fossil fuels. Frankly, I think it is a socialist ploy to seize control over a major sector of the U.S. economy.
Dagwood: So you don't consider yourself an environmentalist. I have a hard time believing you would be an industrialist. What are you when it comes to the environment?
Bigfoot: I'm neither of those. I am a conservationist, which means I believe in conservatively using resources for consumption. We must make things last and adopt harvesting practices that accomplish conservation goals. We must also tread lightly on the land. Be respectful of the other creatures that depend on it for their livelihoods. Like me. I believe in balance, and I think it can be achieved. We don't have to be all one way or all another. That's just stupid.
Dagwood: And global climate change? Any opinion there?
Bigfoot: It happens. It has for 4.5 billion years since the Earth was formed. Nature is going to do what it does. We can't stop it.
Dagwood: What about human-caused climate change?
Bigfoot: I go back to my conservation point. We must adopt practices that respect the Earth. That doesn't mean we need to halt everything that we are doing. But it does mean we ought to tone it down. Look, man cannot destroy the Earth any more than he can save it. To think either way is arrogance. But man can be respectful of the Earth and adopt practices that make resources last longer and in more abundance than before. If we do that, our carbon footprint on the Earth's atmosphere will be less. Smog will get reduced in the big cities, too.
Dagwood: Let's talk economy, because that is always a big topic for voters. What are your views on our economic system, and what changes would you make, if any?
Bigfoot: It's the economy, stupid! Not directed at anyone in particular, of course. I like using the catchphrase from the 1992 Clinton Campaign. Hey, Bill never copyrighted it, so it's fair game.
Dagwood: Got it. Now, what are your positions on the economy?
Bigfoot: If it ain't broke, don't fix it. Another axiom that was never copyrighted. Hahaha! ... Ahem, anyway, I see no evidence that the economy is broken right now. Very low unemployment. Manufacturing jobs are coming back and there is a bigger push for America to become a producer again. Wages could be better, though, especially in parts of the country that are experiencing growing pains. Overall, though, I like the free market. Being able to choose is a fundamental part of liberty, our nation's most sacred value.
Dagwood: And foreign trade?
Bigfoot: President Trump is on the right track here. America has gotten screwed for so long by other countries benefiting from her. Everything from NAFTA to giving China "most favored nation" status, we've let other countries take advantage of us. We've become primarily a consuming nation, and other countries charge us tariffs and taxes any which way to Sunday on goods flowing out of their country to our stores. They have even messed with us by charging arms and legs on any of our goods coming to their consumers. I would like to see free trade across the board. But I don't see other countries stepping up to the plate and offering. They've benefited from us trading freely with them, and then they turn right around and tax us. Time for that to stop. If not free trade, then definitely fair trade. If other countries won't lift their tariffs on us, then we should levy tariffs on them. What's good for the goose is good for the gander, too.
Dagwood: Corporate taxes. Many critics of the Trump Administration say he is giving huge tax breaks to the wealthiest Americans, and cutting the corporate tax rate will put a dent into the budget. How would you respond if you were President Trump?
Bigfoot: Have you ever worked for a poor employer? I didn't think so. Come on, if we tax the snot out of the wealthiest Americans -- many of whom are the job providers -- then what do you suppose will happen to workers? There will be fewer of them. Then we can say good-bye to a strong economy.
Look, American companies are taxed at almost twice the rate corporations are taxed in many other countries. All that does is give incentives to American businesses to relocate overseas to save on taxes. It encourages an exodus. That's just plain stupid on our part. I say cut the corporate tax rate by 10 percent and encourage companies to stay here. And if bureaucrats are worried about how that loss of revenue will affect the budget, then start cutting spending, stupid! If a family suffers a cut in their wages, but continues spending at their usual rate, what do you suppose will happen? Government can start by reducing the salaries and benefits of Congress. To serve there should be an honor, not a privilege. Establish trade tariffs to bring in extra revenue. Start recycling all of that dormant nuclear waste tucked underneath Yucca Mountain in Nevada and re-sell it to other countries still using nuclear energy for power. I mean, really, I'm just a big, hairy hominid creature with repugnant body odor. If I can figure this out, so can all of the so-called smart people elected to Congress and appointed to high positions in government.
Dagwood: You mentioned wages. What would you do, if anything, to address those? Would you raise the minimum wage?
Bigfoot: I would not raise the minimum, because every time government does, the argument to raise it more remains. All that it really does is drive costs of living up. If it costs more to pay people, it costs more to produce things and provide services. Again, not rocket science, and I'm far from a rocket scientist. The minimum wage in some states is now double-digits, but people are still struggling to get by. I say dangle the proverbial carrot in front of employers by offering an additional corporate tax rate cut and/or a payroll tax reduction to companies who raise employee wages commensurate with the cost of living in their respective areas. And to the minimum wage worker who thinks they will never be able to do anything else, get your head out of that hole behind you, get motivated and roll up your sleeves. Success isn't free, and you actually have to work for it. There is a lot of federal money available for retraining of workers who are underemployed or at or near poverty level. Go back to school, get training in a field you really like or want to be in, and stop whining. No one else can make your life better but you. So, to borrow a phrase from Nike, just do it. (That one is copyrighted, by the way.)
Dagwood: Do you support government money to be used for retraining?
Bigfoot: Absolutely, because there is a direct return to the government. The higher the wage that a worker earns, the more in income taxes he or she pays. In addition, the more money they will have to spend in the economy, and the more money companies get that will also be paid in the form of taxes.
Dagwood: Kind of like Reaganomics, or trickle-down economics, right?
Bigfoot: Um, yeah, I guess. But I hate the term trickle-down, because it sounds more like I'm peeing.
Dagwood: Uhhhh, ok. Are there any other topics you want to talk about before I wrap up this interview?
Bigfoot: Nope. I'm getting hungry. And when I get hungry, I get temperamental. So this is a good stopping place for now.
Dagwood: Alrighty then. What are you going to eat?
Bigfoot: I thought I'd fix myself a Dagwood.
Dagwood: *gulp* huh?
Bigfoot: Relax. I'm referring to the sandwich, not the guy.
Dagwood: *whew* Thanks, and enjoy!
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