Dagwood: I'm here again with Bigfoot, an unaffiliated candidate for president. Hello, Bigfoot.
BF: Call me Buster. Remember?
Dagwood: Oh, yeah. Sorry, Buster.
BF: No problem.
Dagwood: So, Buster, a lot of hats have been thrown into the ring already for President of the United States. And, the primary election season is still six months away. Would you care to comment on some of the competition in the field?
BF: Sure, why not?
Dagwood: Donald Trump. Much ado lately about recent comments he made toward U.S. Sen. John McCain. What is your opinion of The Donald?
BF: Nice hair.
Dagwood: Is that all?
BF: That's all of the nice stuff.
Dagwood: What else?
BF: Arrogant, self-serving, spoiled rotten rich, reckless, offensive ... how much more room do I have for adjectives here?
Dagwood: I take it you don't like The Donald?
BF: Only when he opens his mouth. He's a showboat, a showman with an impeccable coif. He likes to show how big and important he is, and when he opens his mouth he's still showing off. Putting him in the White House would be like rewarding a bratty little kid with a toy for being a jerk.
Dagwood: Okay, I think we've covered Trump. Incidentally, what is your opinion of John McCain?
BF: He isn't running for president this time around, is he?
Dagwood: No, not yet anyway. But just for the sake of asking...
BF: Sen. McCain is a career politician. Yes, he is a former Vietnam War prisoner and U.S. Navy veteran. But he's also spent so long in Washington, D.C., politics that he smells like cherry blossoms rather than cactus flowers. The only people who dance the Potomac two-step better than him have probably been in the Beltway longer; like maybe fellow long-time Senate members Biden and Schumer. The point is, McCain has been part of the problem in Washington instead of part of the solution.
Dagwood: Okay, then. Let's move on to Jeb Bush.
BF: Not another one. Please, please, puh-leez...make it stop! Just when I thought we finally cleared the field of them, another one pops up. Don't get me wrong: The Bushes aren't bad people. I think Dubya is a decent guy, and was a fair president. But enough is enough. The office of POTUS is not the British throne. There is no such thing as presidential pedigree, and we don't breed future presidents in this country.
Dagwood: How about Dr. Carson?
BF: I'd trust him to remove my appendix any time. But he can't surgically repair Congress the way he can conjoined twins. He's got the hands, that's for sure. But he'll need the nerve even more as POTUS. The doctor is a nice man, but he's got to have an edge to him if he's going to succeed against Capitol Hill. I personally favor a strong wood knock, howl or scream to get my points across.
Dagwood: Gov. Christie.
BF: He needs to lose weight. Otherwise, the media is going to make it an issue the way it did age with Reagan and McCain. I'm all for plain speak, but Gov. Christie will need to act as plainly as he speaks. If he begins taking dancing lessons, then it's all over. Once the Potomac two-step is learned, it is danced until reason is run out of the ballroom.
Dagwood: How about Carly Fiorina?
BF: Like Romney, success in business does not equal success in politics.
Dagwood: Lindsey Graham.
BF: Too much like McCain. I'd call him Mini-McCain or Little John. He goes from military to politics. He's a career politician these days. Enough said.
Dagwood: Mike Huckabee?
BF: I have reservations about Huck. Too much like Sarah Palin in 2008. Once she got the taste of national fame in 2008, she chased the money. She didn't even finish her term as Alaska governor because the lure of book deals, talk shows, television punditry, and a national speaking circuit proved too strong for her. Huck, too, went right to showmanship after his failed 2008 bid. Now that he's had several years of exposure as a national media personality, he's using this notoriety to run for president on. Fame equals fortune, I suppose. He seems to be betting that he'll do better this time around as a media pundit than he did as a former state governor fresh out of office.
Dagwood: Rand Paul?
BF: He's a rebel. Not necessarily a bad thing, mind you, but rebels can take such hard-lined stands that their appeal is limited.
Dagwood: Any comments on the rest of the GOP field?
BF: Way too many people in this party with aspirations to move into 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. Many of them are career politicians whose names we've all heard before in past races. Enough with all of the governors, senators, and congressmen trying to move into a larger office.
Dagwood: Okie dokie. Let's switch to the Democrats.
BF: Swell. More career politicians. Every one of them. The most notorious of these is Hillary Clinton. She just doesn't know when to stop. Kind of like Brett Favre not knowing when to finally hang up his football cleats. I've never encountered a more power-hungry, ambitious manipulator than Hillary Clinton. When her hubby was elected POTUS, she pulled his strings like a marionette from behind the scenes. What you saw was Billary in action. But that wasn't enough to stroke her ego. She needed to be her own powerful politician. So, she moves from Arkansas to New York State because political power is synonymous with the Empire State. Not so much in Arkansas. Her move was as calculated as it was cold. She snubbed the people of her home state, knowing they wouldn't elect her, and moved some place where the odds were more in her favor. And the idiot New York voters elected her thinking she actually cared about their state. She only cared about the power she could wield from New York. But she couldn't care less about the state or its people.
No sooner does she spend a term in the senate then she runs for president, fails, and is named U.S. Secretary of State as a concessionary door prize. Still not enough to have been SOS for four years, Hillary is back seeking the office she has always coveted. She drools over the Oval Office the way I do venison.
Dagwood: How about the other democratic candidates?
BF: I already told you. Career politicians. Need I say more?
