Bigfoot and his lawyers

Bigfoot goes public

Bigfoot Comes Out

The Big Interview

Dagwood: I’m sitting down with Bigfoot, and today we will find out what’s on the big guy’s mind concerning the major issues facing our nation. Good morning, Bigfoot.

BF: Good morning, Dag. Please, call me Buster. My wife does all of the time, even when I’m being good.

Dagwood: Okay, Buster. All of America is wondering why this continent’s most mysterious creature has suddenly decided to come out of the woods and run for President of the United States. I mean, most people still think you’re just a legend, a myth. How do you handle the skepticism out there toward you?

BF: Well, Dag, I just let it all roll off my back like dead flies. I can’t help what people think, or how they have arrived at stereotypes. I can’t speak for all of the other Bigfeet out there, either. Most of them wish to remain a secret, a myth, a legend, or what have you. I prefer to be honest about who I am. I’m really a human born into a Bigfoot’s body, and I didn’t want to deny my true self anymore, so I decided to come out of the closet. And, what better way to show I belong than to run for POTUS.

Dagwood: Interesting. Well, since you’ve officially thrown your hat—er, I mean your hair—into the presidential ring, what do you say we get to the meat of the interview and start tackling the issues?

BF: Sure, throw me some pitches.

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Gun control

Dagwood: What is your position on gun control?

BF: Yes, I want to control guns, especially hunting rifles, because they are pointed at me.

Dagwood: What about the Second Amendment?

BF: Okay, then, just ban ammunition. I really don’t want somebody’s .308 slug turning me into a taxidermy sideshow.

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The Environment

Dagwood: What is your position on protecting the environment?

BF: What do you mean protect the environment? The environment protects me. How else do you think I’ve been able to remain a myth all these years?

Dagwood: How do you feel about global warming?

BF: Well, if the globe starts to warm up, who am I to stop it? Besides, it warms up every year during summer … right before it cools down again for winter. Strange how that happens.

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Education

Dagwood: What is your position on federal common CORE standards?

BF: I can’t read, so I don’t really have an opinion. All I know is, people don’t come from cookie cutters, so why do we insist on teaching them with cookie cutters?

Dagwood: Do you think we should spend more money on education?

BF: Show me where in history money has been a long-term solution to a problem… and I’ll show you a personal injury lawyer with a conscience.

Dagwood: How do you feel about the debate between evolution and creation?

BF: The next person who says I’m the missing link between apes and men is going to get a banana stuck between his ears. I’m a human trapped in a Sasquatch body. And, last time I checked, I don’t look as handsome as an ape…or as homely as a man.

Dagwood: Which theory of origin do you think schools should teach?

BF: Why not both? If neither one is a proven fact yet, perhaps let the child decide for him or herself what he or she believes.

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Religion

Dagwood: Do you believe in God?

BF: Yes, I do. Just because you haven’t seen Him doesn’t mean He doesn’t exist. I’ve never seen a million dollars; but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. Look at me: Thousands of people claim to have seen me, but few believe them. And yet, I’m here running for POTUS, aren’t I? Children have had it right all along: Believing is seeing; seeing isn’t believing.

Dagwood: What about school prayer?

BF: What about it? I pray in the woods. Why can’t a kid pray in a school? Who are these thought police people, anyway?!

 

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Health Care

Dagwood: How do you feel about Obamacare, the Affordable Care Act?

BF: People have been forced to purchase a product in a free market economy. Isn’t that a misnomer?

What’s next? Forcing people to buy bus fare so we can reduce greenhouse emissions? Or, mandating that people buy foods with antioxidants so we can reduce the prevalence of cancer? I smell a can of worms having been opened, and it stinks worse than I do!

Dagwood: How would you fix health care?

BF: Turn insurance companies into health care banks, where people’s premiums are deposited into money market accounts that earn them interest; that way they can keep up with inflation. These would be tax-free, and the amount paid into them deductible on income taxes at the end of the year. And get rid of Medicare. The money a person pays into the Medicare fund would instead go into his or her individual health care bank. Be gone with copays, deductibles, underwriters and confusing coverage policies.

Dagwood: What about the rising cost of health care?

BF: Health care banks would put the power of payment back directly into the hands of the consumer-patient, instead of left to dictation by insurance companies. Health care financing has really become an oligarchy where a minority few determine the cost of a product, instead of the majority.

I would also limit the percentage of malpractice awards to ambulance chasers—um, I mean tort lawyers—from 25 percent to 18 percent. Only a lawyer would argue over the difference between a $180K award fee and a $250K one. Heck, I’ll take 18 percent of a cool one-million dollar award any day.

This will help reduce the cost of liability insurance that health care entities are required to carry.

In addition, I would require a small percentage of a lawyer’s fee be contributed to his or her client’s health care bank; say, three percent. This would effectively reduce an award fee to 15 percent. …BFD, right? Plus, the lawyer learns the value of giving rather than getting.

 
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Assisted Suicide

Dagwood: What is your stand on doctor-assisted suicide?

BF: Why involve a doctor at all? If a person is that desperate, he or she won’t want to waste time finding a doctor to kill them when they can do it to themselves much faster. Frankly, I don’t think it’s very courageous to try and justify suicide by involving a professional to pull the trigger for you when you are capable of doing that yourself. Leave doctors out of this. Their jobs are to do no harm in the first place, and assisted suicide puts them in a precarious position.

 

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Abortion

Dagwood: What is your stand on abortion?

BF: Humans are the only creatures I know that deliberately kill their young, and then rationalize why they do it. What good is having the ability to reason when the result is destruction? If a person wants to choose to kill her young then I guess that is her burden to bear. Just don’t force me to pay for or support it. Work for the cost to cover the procedure yourself, and then maybe you will better appreciate the decision you are about to make.

Dagwood: When do you think life begins? In or outside of the womb?

BF: My wife complains about how uncomfortable it is to sleep when my babies kick inside her belly and make her hungry for unusual food. I guess that means they are alive.

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Animal Rights

Dagwood: How do you feel about animal rights?

BF: Animals have a right to chase or be chased; to hunt or be hunted; to eat or be eaten; to roam or stay put. We have a right to survival of the fittest. Anything more than that, and I could end up being sued by the families of the very animals I eat!

Dagwood: How about efforts to outlaw hunting?

BF: Never come between me and my next meal. That’s all I have to say about that.

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Gay Rights

Dagwood: How do you feel about gay marriage?

BF: Well, I’ve always supported a happy union.
Dagwood: No, we mean homosexual marriage.
BF: Um, can’t I just dodge this question?
Dagwood: No.
BF: Okay, well, uh, I plead the Fifth on this one. I don’t have an opinion.
Dagwood: Now that’s the dodge of all dodges.
BF: Thanks!

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Race Relations

Dagwood: How do you feel about racial discrimination?

BF: Gimme a break! I’ve been discriminated against my whole life. Few people believe I even exist! Those that do complain about my smell, my hair, my size, and how scary I look. If it wasn’t for the Internet, my campaign would be censored because I’m not even considered “person” enough to run for POTUS.

As I see it, there will always be doubters and skeptics who don’t believe I exist, no matter how much evidence is collected. Should I waste my time crying about that, or embrace the fact that I am able to run for POTUS when no one else thought I could?

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The Economy

Dagwood: What direction do you feel our economy is headed?

BF: To China … literally. We’ve also dug a hole so deep in debt that it goes to China and back a thousand times. If China doesn’t own us yet, it will. I am scaring more and more Chinese tourists every year, and that number continues to grow exponentially. Frankly, I fail to see the novelty. My pal, the Yeti, has been scaring that part of the world for years.

Dagwood: How do you feel about taxes?

BF: We all have to pay our share to support government services. However, that “share” seems to increase frequently, while our dividends seem to decrease. Education quality has been circling the drain for decades; frauds continue to rip off the government at alarming rates, while red tape meant to target fraud ends up choking to death the honest individual truly in need of services; the Pentagon still hasn’t explained why a toilet seat costs $10K; and the dang postal service hasn’t figured out how to deliver my fan mail without an address. C’mon now!

Hello, this is me

I've gone by many names over the years: Bigfoot, Sasquatch, Ape Man, Wild Man, Grass Man, Lake Monster or Creature, and Skunk Ape, among others.
My wife calls me Buster, which I'm unsure is a sarcastic or sincere moniker, because she calls me that all of the time. Either way, the name has stuck.
I live in a cave somewhere deep in the woods with my family: My wife, Windolyn, or Windy, and our son, B.J.
I'm a bit of a night owl, preferring to grocery shop when the sun goes down. But I do like to catch some rays and soak up a little vitamin D sunshine on occasion, too.
When not scaring the socks off hikers, hunters and campers, my leisure time is spent enjoying mud baths, relaxing in natural hot springs pools, and playing a little Bigfoot-style baseball. Let's just say it's more of a challenge trying to hit a one-ton boulder with a half-ton tree trunk.
You might be wondering why is a guy like me running for President of the United States?
Well, for one thing, I am passionate about a number of issues.
I seek to protect the environment; namely mine. I support gun control; especially hunting rifles that are usually aimed at me. I believe in free-roaming migration, too, so don't fence me in, as the old cowboy song goes.
I resent so-called animal rights groups protesting the consumption of meat. I love meat, and no one better come between me and my next meal, okay?
I believe in a strong national defense. Every time some human gets close to my food stash or my lair, I bombard them with the finest, most destructive boulders nature can provide; all for the cause of protecting what is mine. A good, strong body odor helps ward off trespassers, too.
I guess my foreign policy can be considered isolationist. Leave me the heck alone, and I'll do the same. But bother me, and I can be pretty annoying. Let me have what's mine, and you can have what's yours. Live, and let live, right?
Too bad others don't always see things that way, which is why I support a strong national defense.
I support fair trade: rock for a rock, grub for a grub, that sort of thing.
I support justice: Eye for an eye, and so forth. You push me, I push back and throw a boulder on top for good measure.
To me, capital punishment is being subjected to 24 hours of non-stop C-SPAN.